Road to Peace

That's my reaction to the last time I wrote on here. My "Road to Fame" post, just made me feel like wow.
Not at the actual idea, but at the mindframe I had.

The reason why its so surprising, is mainly due to the point that being famous isn't even a goal of mine anymore. I still want to rap though. I probably recorded one song in the whole year since my Road to Fame post and my life as seen so many crazy events within the last year that I'm at the point now where I just want peace.

To start things off, the last time I visited my grandfather who was in recovery from a tripple bypass surgery, the last thing he said to me was "I'm praying for you". I told him I was praying for him too, I mean he was fighting to get better after Tripple Bypass Surgery, he needed more prayers than I did. But he said it twice that he was praying for me, but the face he made when he said it the second time just always made me wonder, what is he able to see right now that he felt the need to tell me he's praying for me?

Time went on then 2 days before my 28th birthday my grandfather passed away. (What a christmas gift) My bday is on the 24th. The funeral was held on the 29th. The only thing I can keep thinking of is him telling me he was praying for me.

Around this time of the year my wife was pregnant with what would've been our 2nd child together, but unfortunately that pregnancy ended in her having a miscarriage. Shortly after finding out that she would miscarry she had the D & C procedure and my heart really went out to her, because I felt so hurt for her.

1 disagreement after that event she decided that she wants to separate. This was hard for me to deal with because I was the only one working and we had 5 months left on our lease living together. She didn't want me to just leave she just wanted separation, but the things that transpired after that only made everything worse.

I never expected to go through so much hurt, pain, and disrespect from the one person I vowed to give my all to. On top of that we have a little girl that we have to raise together.

Right now for the moment I stay by myself, I get my daughter every weekend and sometimes during the week. I make it my best effort to provide anything that she may need. But even with being there as much as I am. It hurts me to have to raise my daughter in the kind of back and forthness I disliked as a child.

I have vented before trying to get things of my chest, I get a nauseated feeling every time I go to get my daughter, my mind cycles through millions of thoughts every single day about everything I'm going through, I pray, I pray, and I pray asking God to help me out and take control of my situation, while all in the back of my mind those last words replay as I am told by my ailing grandfather that he is praying for me.

I don't want none of his prayers to go in vain. So I try to keep a positive outlook.

I'm not an arrogant or proud person, I accept the moments of humility to humble me, and most of all I miss my family. Yeah my wife has done some things that cuts deep and continues to pour salt in that wound. But I wouldn't be doing God's will if I refuse to find a way to forgive her. It sucks not being able to leave work and go home to my family like I used to. But I trust that God will help me get through it.

Going through all of this has help me to realize, that I just want an inner peace. That inner peace will help keep me going and hopefully one day, I'll be able to witness my grandkids and great grands.

In the meantime, I'll attempt to keep myself busy with the hobby I love the most (music). Who knows what post I'll write next year after reflecting on this.

Thanks for reading.

God Bless and Take Care.

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